On Mediocrity: The Toyota Yaris Joneepositelock Review

"Jonee" (Jonee) 03/27/2015 at 13:45 • Filed to: Toyota Yaris

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On the show Doctor Who there's an alien that has the ability to erase all memory of itself from your mind as soon as you're not looking at it. In real life we have an automobile that performs the same trick.

The Toyota Yaris, is, I think, the replacement for the universally shrugged off Echo. I kind of liked the Echo because it was supremely nerdy and I worked on its first online ad back in the days when we said, "a commercial just for the internet? That's dumb." We shot it at something called the Gravity Games in Providence, Rhode Island. I think they were the predecessor, or a short-lived rival, to the X-Games. Whatever it was, it was a waste of time that no one paid any attention to as far as I could tell based on all the people asking us what the fuck was going on.

When the Yaris first went on sale I was intrigued with the 2 door hatch. It was cute and round like a pea. I liked that. There weren't many cute little cars around at the time. I still see a shitload of them around, but I hadn't noticed anything like it at the Toyota dealer down the street from me in a long time. "What the hell happened to the Yaris?", I wondered. So, I popped in to ask. I couldn't tell the difference between anything on the lot, to be frank, except I know a Prius when I see one only they all kind of look Prius-y now. I mean, the sedans are sedans, but every model has the same gaping cane toad-esque maw up front, and the sides all have the same accent line thing.

"So, which one's the new Yaris?"

"That one."

"Wait. Which?"

"The black one there." (They're all black except for one of those Priusses with that weird orange. I love orange cars and I don't understand how they made such a hideous hue. I think they literally mix orange paint with sewage to get it to look like that.)

"Oh, that's not a Corolla?"

"No, that's a Corolla."

"That's not a Camry?"

"No, that's a Camry."

"What's that then?"

"Avalon."

"Third base!"

The place isn't too busy so I ask if I could test drive whichever one is a Yaris.

"You have one with a manual transmission?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really ." Yeesh.

And, eons later a car emerges from Middle Earth, or wherever they keep the cars that require one to actually drive them. I don't get how Google invented the self-driving car. Cars started driving themselves the moment they began putting torque converters and planetary gears in them. Anyway, I asked the sales guy if I could take a couple pictures for a dumb internet thing and he handed me a brochure so I quickly snapped some pictures of the brochure and handed it back. On the cover, interestingly, it shows the car under drone surveillance. Choosing a Yaris proves a clever bit of espionage as we see on the next page where the drone, a piece of technology without soul, heart, or brain, has fallen asleep, overcome by the infinite boringness as the cool kids laugh at it.

The Yaris has all the hallmarks of a cheap car trying not to look cheap. The exterior is a bland attempt at looking aggressive that looks like every other bland attempt at looking aggressive. Where's the fun? Where's the whimsy? Give me something that dares me to hate it, not roll my eyes.

The interior is clean and black with the requisite plastic chrome shit. There's a big screen that if you only glance at it fleetingly will have you thinking it has fancy gadgets but then look at it closer and you notice it's as clunky as an 8 year old Garmin.

The seats aren't terrible for a cheap car. A little on the hard side, but they don't want you too comfy in the economy model. Good seats are important to me since the old back ain't what it used to be and long drives can leave me hunched over like I'm 117 years old. I actually prefer seats in older cars that are flat and not trying to contour to my back since it always seems like I don't line up right. I'm 6 feet, so not really much above average and I don't get how the seats on a lot of new cars seem to be made for someone either a foot taller or shorter than me. (Don't get me started on the new Ford Fusion. The previous generation seat was marvelous and I wish I had one in my house, but the new one seems to be designed for a Yeti.) Anyway, after some futzing, I found a satisfactory sitting position in the Yaris.

So, like one does, when I was ready to go, I pressed down on the clutch. And nothing seemed to happen. Did I miss the pedal? I lifted my foot, looked down this time, and tried again. Oh, look at that, I am pressing a pedal. Now, I don't like an exhausting clutch, either, but this was ridiculous. I should be able to tell the difference between working the clutch and not working the clutch. I need to know something is happening or I feel like I'm just moving my leg up and down for no reason like an idiot.

"Is it supposed to be this light?"

"What?"

"The clutch?"

"I guess so. Nice, huh?"

"Not really. I can't tell anything's happening."

"Well, we're not on the road, yet. You'll like it once you're driving."

Liar.

So, off we go and indeed the clutch works. I still feel like I'm lifting my leg into thin air, but the car shifts into gear fine and the clutch let's go somewhere in the middle of foot flailing.

"You're the first person I've test driven a manual car with who didn't stall it," I'm told.

Yep, I make manhandling a car with 106 horsepower look easy.

"Hey, that's not a lot of horsepower," you realize.

Nope, it sure isn't. Not these days, anyway. And the Yaris never lets you forget it. And that's saying something from a guy who loves driving a Renault Le Car. But, the Renault is tiny and weighs as much as a basket of laundry. I don't know how much the Yaris weighs, but it must be an awful lot based on all the complaining the engine did. "Nyaaaaaahhhhh caaaaan't dooooo iiiiiiit," it whines like a belligerent child when you give it gas. Downshifting causes it to make more noise, but doesn't seem to help with the pep. I normally enjoy something small and underpowered with a stick. It's a challenge to make the car seem like it has power and you can spend more time mashing the throttle, MPG's be damned. But, not with the Yaris. It doesn't give a shit about anything.

"Does it have a cold, or something?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. How much does this one cost, anyway?"

"$17,900."

NYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

"What?!?!?"

"It has the $900 navigation upgrade."

"WHAT?!? Nine hundred bucks for a map? I have one on my phone."

"Oh, it's much better than Apple Maps."

"900 dollars better?"

Seriously, an extra grand on a little crapcan car for something that I also keep in my pocket? That's like if the guy who originally bought my Le Car in 1978 had ordered a Panda skin wallet integrated into the dash.

This car is the "base model" two-door, by the way. The one that used to be cheap and cute. Now it's an ugly ripoff. It does start at $14,800, which seems fine. That's the same as a base Fiesta. But, no one buys those stripped down models so they don't really exist. And, the Fiesta is at the very least mildly engaging to drive. Especially with a stick. It's got enough responsiveness to keep you feeling like you're alive. The Yaris is the opposite of responsive. Which is what? Catatonic? But, maybe not completely because that would be interesting. It handles just well enough, and goes just fast enough to not be dangerous. It's not the worst thing in the world but, that would actually make it better. You see, it's completely mediocre as an economy car. It's practical enough with the hatchback. Gets good enough gas mileage. Toyota knows what it's doing in the ergonomics department, so there's not much thinking while operating it. And that's what most people want.

"Just give me a car that I don't have to think about."

Toyota delivered on that. But, they shouldn't have, dammit. I've always thought of cars as rolling sculptures. With classic or exotic cars, that can be obvious, but it's true with everyday cars as well. No matter how utilitarian a vehicle is, it was still designed by someone. And, no matter how inept they may be, that person or persons was an artist. The enemy of all artists is mediocrity. Because the worst kind of reaction you can have to a piece of art is a neutral one. "Yeah, it's fine," means you failed. Hate is a real response. It's as good as loving it to the artist because you've had an experience that moved you. Good needs Bad, and Bad needs Good, but who needs Middling? No one, that's who.

But, in today's ultra-competitive corporate world should car designers aspire to create bad cars that people hate? I say yes! That'll make them appreciate the really good ones. We lose a potential car enthusiast with every person that settles for a Yaris. I know the financial, focus group reasons for why it's so bland. But, take one for the fucking team, Toyota. Make it truly horrible if you're not going to make it great. Give it a two-stroke and a bench seat. Make it look like a surprised newt. Shit cars make people care about what they're driving. Mitsubishi is on to something. The Mirage has 3 cylinders, reminds me of a goldfish, comes in hideous colors, and isn't shy about being cheap. And it actually is cheap. It's downright Jalop and I'll probably love it and write an Oppo post about it in 25 years. You're never bored in a Mirage and you didn't pay 900 bucks for a piece of technology that became obsolete in 2006. You'll hate driving it and your next car will actually be something exciting. After you're done with the Yaris, you'll maybe go for a Corollzzzzzzzzzz. And a tiny part of every gearhead dies.

E. Julius > Jonee 03/27/2015 at 13:52

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Loved it. Opening line was great.

Cebu > Jonee 03/27/2015 at 13:53

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Well written.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Jonee 03/27/2015 at 13:58

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Yup. Atleast the Echo and previous gen Yaris were honest about being cheap, little, light weight econo boxes. It's sad to see the new Yaris become Corollafied.

vicali > Jonee 03/27/2015 at 14:00

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While the Tacoma is in for a frame replacement we get a new Toyota loaner; last time it was a Corolla with 12km on the clock. I'm hoping for a paperwork error and keys to a 5th gen 4Runner TE - but odds are it will be a Yaris..

Jonee > E. Julius 03/27/2015 at 14:27

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Thanks.

Jobjoris > Jonee 03/29/2015 at 13:13

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Nice review. Like the pictures that complement it. Really love the idea of Toyota putting a 2-stroke in it!

Jonee > Jobjoris 03/30/2015 at 14:14

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Thanks. I wanted to try something different. It would be awesome with a two-stroke. Maybe when we want to add a production line after the quad Wankel takes off, we'll develop a two-stroker.

Jobjoris > Jonee 03/30/2015 at 16:43

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Can't we get a 6, or even better, an 8-stroke? Preferably Diesel? It can be done!

Jonee > Jobjoris 03/31/2015 at 02:10

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8 stroke diesel sounds perfect. What happens on all those extra strokes?

Jobjoris > Jonee 03/31/2015 at 03:16

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I'm not sure yet, the guys from R&D should be able to work it out. Six stroke was already there in the 1890's! Here's a view of the Beare Head (M4+2) engine with two opposite pistons:

It's supposed to be more efficient, using the heat of compression nr1. The strokes are:

Aspiration - Precompression - Gas transfer - Compression - Ignition - Ejection.

So for an 8-stroke we just add... Pre-Precompression!

Ford was developing a 2-stroke with valves in the 90's if I remember correct. I love these concepts.

Jonee > Jobjoris 04/01/2015 at 02:04

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Yeah, they're so fascinating. I wonder what vibration was like on that one. It's really nuts with the different length pistons.

It's about time we got some new two-strokes. I remember reading about those Ford ones, too, I think.

Jobjoris > Jonee 04/01/2015 at 02:26

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I especially love the idea of having multiple crankshafts. Connected together with belts. Or chains. Or gears. Should make some totally non-maintainable engine. We definitely need to produce these in France!

Jonee > Jobjoris 04/01/2015 at 02:29

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I agree. It can also be half carbureted, half injected with some bizarre firing order making it impossible to get the timing right.

Jobjoris > Jonee 04/01/2015 at 02:46

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Don't forget Triple-charging: Turbo, Roots Supercharger and a G-lader!!!!

Jonee > Jobjoris 04/01/2015 at 02:53

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And 3 camshafts!

Jobjoris > Jonee 04/01/2015 at 03:01

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For each cylinder!

Jonee > Jobjoris 04/01/2015 at 14:30

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Whoa. Mind blowing. The French engineers are really going to have their work cut out for them.

PS9 > Jonee 04/02/2015 at 18:23

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SEVENTEEN THOUSAND?

Do you have the Fiesta ST where you live? Cause....

Jonee > PS9 04/02/2015 at 22:07

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Right? And, yes, we do. Used ones even.

jimz > Jonee 04/02/2015 at 23:17

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Yep, I make manhandling a car with 106 horsepower look easy.

"Hey, that's not a lot of horsepower," you realize.

Nope, it sure isn't.

I remember when the Toyota Paseo came out, the TV ads said "of course, it has some muscle" while the on-screen text proudly showed "100 hp."

"Some muscle" indeed.

El-Verde > Jonee 04/02/2015 at 23:33

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This deserved a FP. Excellent writing; it takes such to make someone read about a Yaris.

JasonStern911 > Jonee 04/02/2015 at 23:52

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One time, my girl's mom offered to buy her a new Yaris as a gift, so she went down to the dealership and bought a used RX-8 (bad car choice overall, but it made sense at the time - I I had one at that point that hadn't blown itself up and passionately pleaded the virtues and how the entire internet outside of rx8club is completely wrong about the Renesis' lack of reliability). Her mom wasn't happy, but my girl ultimately won her mom over by asking whether or not she'd want to drive a Yaris everyday. (And, the dealership warranty allowed her to keep the car for long enough that owning a Renesis didn't screw her over... too bad).

Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 00:20

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So the Yaris is a car you don't give a flying fuck about, yet you felt compelled to write a long-winded trite yet fake review of an article telling people about how much you don't give a flying fuck about this car?

ItalianTuneUpGuy > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 00:32

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I liked the story, it was a fun read.

I got to say you're a damn good photographer ;)

PICKLEBOY > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 00:42

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I don't get how everyone bashes on how boring the Yaris looks?

Maybe it's just me, but this doesn't really look as bland, at least on the outside, as everyone says it does. It looks decent to me

Jonee > PICKLEBOY 04/03/2015 at 00:46

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blech

Jonee > Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages 04/03/2015 at 00:47

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With that name you should be on my side!

PICKLEBOY > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 00:50

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by decent I mean acceptable, but not straight boring

Jonee > PICKLEBOY 04/03/2015 at 02:07

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I felt the first gen. had something different about it. This one is basically a Versa with a big mouth.

Troll is English for Troll > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 02:52

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I drive a Corolla, just saying.

Okay fine, I do hate it.

KURKOS__DR > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 07:12

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Can't we get a review about the automatic version? Something tells me the entire car was engineered to be as smooth as possible when equipped with an automatic.

Don't spend time complaining about the engine. The whole engine was engineered to be juust under the 140 grams of CO2 emissions mark. Because under that, you get a discount in road tax in some countries. Guess what customers listen to most. Your comments about pep or the toyota dealership that tells them "it's a capable engine" yet qualifying for a reduced road tax.

PS: Why do country Prime Ministers like expensive currencies anyway? The thing costs as much as it does because the Yen is so high.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 07:43

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"Is it supposed to be this light?"

That's my response to pretty much every car being made today. Where did clutch feel go?

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 07:52

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Mitsubishi is on to something. The Mirage has 3 cylinders, reminds me of a goldfish, comes in hideous colors, and isn't shy about being cheap. And it actually is cheap. It's downright Jalop and I'll probably love it and write an Oppo post about it in 25 years. You're never bored in a Mirage and you didn't pay 900 bucks for a piece of technology that became obsolete in 2006.

I'm going to be honest... I kind of like the Mirage. It's the only honest cheap car being sold in America right now. They don't give you shit you don't need to try to convince you that the cheap econobox you're driving is upmarket. It isn't writing checks it can't cash.

Ike B > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 08:09

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Damn this was a good read. It covers all of my ...car bases?

lmacnit > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 08:14

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Sorry, but I cannot unsee this:

PICKLEBOY > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 08:57

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IDK I've always thought the Versas were pretty bulbous and fat looking, really nissans whole line up looks that way, but they're changing that based on the new murano.

Hiroku > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 09:50

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When I was learning to drive, my driving school's car was a 2010 Toyota Auris, which is supposed to be a little bit more upmarket than the Yaris? I dunno. Anyway, when I wasn't driving the Auris I was driving my stepdad's 2000 1.0 Opel Corsa.

Now, but all accounts that Corsa was a absolute crapcan garbagemobile, but it felts so much better to drive compared to the Toyota. At least I could feel the gears engaging, I could feel the clutch doing something, I could feel the (unassisted) steering communicate the road's imperfections and the tyres' behaviour to me. The Auris felt every bit like playing a really realistic simulation game. It was as if NOTHING was connected to anything. I'm positive the gear lever just told little dwarves to change gears in the transmission and the steering wheel was just a funky-looking Logitech gaming wheel. I'm pretty sure it had brake-by-wire too since there was no feel whatsoever in the brake pedal. The clutch was also so light it operated as a switch (it was either on or off, no in-between).

Never had I experienced such a detached driving experience before and that thing made me HATE new-ish cars. Doesn't help that the 2011 Polo I drove a while later felt every bit as numb and detestable as the Auris.

Sejji > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 11:14

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These photos, what? Does your camera lack a focus function?

HideyoshiJP > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 11:55

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I cannot stand the US front bumper. That black bit touching the upper grille looks awful. I much prefer the JDM bumper.

MemeWeaver > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 12:07

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Your experience mirrored mine with one difference: I could not get a stick to test drive.

The dealership: "Yeah: no. We're not bringing in a manual because the automatics get the same mileage and everyone wants an automatic."

Me: "Thanks for narrowing down my choices."

ATripDownSouth > Jonee 04/03/2015 at 12:09

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This is stellar photography.

MemeWeaver > Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages 04/03/2015 at 12:10

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Looks like you're new here...

Jonee > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 04/03/2015 at 12:27

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I agree. It's a welcome throwback.

Jonee > HideyoshiJP 04/03/2015 at 12:30

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That does look much better. And an actual color that I like.

MR2_FTW - Group J's resident Stig > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 04/03/2015 at 12:50

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Interesting you say it like that. The whole reason the Yaris exists is because the Corolla became as big as an old Camry. And the Camry is a big as an old Avalon. And the Avalon may as well be an old LS400 as far as girth goes. So now what's the small affordable Toyota model? And don't you dare say the iQ.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > MR2_FTW - Group J's resident Stig 04/03/2015 at 13:05

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EXACTLY. Did you see the story about Mitsubishi Mirages selling pretty well? Yeah, some people actually WANT a cheap, reliable, no-frills economy car that is honest about what it is and what it offers and doesn't jack up it's price in an attempt to be something it was never intended to be, which also makes it WORSE in the process.

My 2000 Corolla was a good little car. Spunky, light, rugged, bording on fun, even! The last 2013 Corolla I drove was trying so hard to be a Buick it was absurd. Here's a hint Toyota: when you put soft, Buick-damped suspension on something with a short wheelbase it's gonna pitch around like a cork in a storm rather than ride smooth, and when you try to smooth out the shifts on an ancient design 4-speed auto so that people don't notice them happening you just sap all the acceleration and responsiveness and make the engine work harder leading to worse fuel economy... in your ECONOMY car. Not to mention the visibility and ergonomics where horrible. The new Yaris is obviously headed there...

I think this is why the Scion iA is actually a Mazda 2... Toyota doesn't even make something like this anymore.

Ed > ATripDownSouth 04/04/2015 at 12:28

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Fun fact: Those pictures are taken with a potato.

Ed > HideyoshiJP 04/04/2015 at 12:29

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Much better. Although the name sounds like you're spitting in Yiddish.

ffoc02 > Jonee 04/04/2015 at 15:08

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It's like a painting in a doctor's office. Yea, it's art, but who cares.

Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages > Jonee 04/05/2015 at 03:08

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I guess I can respect that you put yourself through the torture of even standing within the same area code as that car, the kind of torture I wouldn't even subject to my worst enemies - the Beigian people.

Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages > MemeWeaver 04/05/2015 at 03:10

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That is true, Mr. Weaver.

dannyzabolotny > Jonee 04/06/2015 at 00:03

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Orrr, you could take the $14,000 and just buy a certified pre-owned car that doesn't suck. You could easily buy a nice used Lexus with an extended warranty for that amount. Or a used BMW if you like to live dangerously.

Sancho > Jonee 04/07/2015 at 21:59

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Jonee > Sancho 04/07/2015 at 22:40

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Sorry, Chuck.

Sancho > Jonee 04/08/2015 at 14:15

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Eh it is what it is now. Chuck is a 2007 2-door with a stick and a few miles shy of 150k. With the center instrument cluster (talk about a love/hate feature) I have three- THREE!- everloving glove boxes! SEVEN cup/bottle holders. Underfloor trunk storage! And various other nooks n crannies to store every imaginable type of item. At 12.6ft I am only surpassed in my parking capabilities by the Spark. Because it's tall I can comfortable fit real humans in the back seat. And it's going to be the next Toyota WRC car! ...Maybe. Unless they use the new Mazda2 based yaris instead.

Jonee > Sancho 04/08/2015 at 14:21

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That generation Yaris, as I mentioned, I don't mind since that 2-door is neat looking with its roundness. It's the newer ones I'm not a fan of. Do you use all those compartments? Like in my apartment, I'd end up putting things in places and then forgetting about them and then get annoyed.

Sancho > Jonee 04/09/2015 at 17:18

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I use every. Single. One. The driver's side one is for insurance, meter change, mints, extra sunglasses, and other important documents. Passenger's upper is napkins, wet wipes, cutlery, hot sauce. Lower is tools, manuals, lights, first aid. Left pocket under the stereo are all my IDs (I'm a Post PA so I go through many security gates) right is whatever the GF wants to store. And there's a little slot that perfectly holds DVDs or drives right next to the parking brake. I could go on... everything has a use/place. I luvs it.

Now if this car was quiet, more comfortable, had four doors, and a diesel. I'd keep it forever.

Sadly some day I will need an "Adult Car" and that will probably be a Golf TDI.

Hatchlife yo.